Many Called Her Their Angel

She Was Cherokee and Proud of It

She Was a Child at Heart

She Knew Pain

She Was Set Free

She Carried a Song in Her Heart

Friendship Was Important to Her

And She Danced

It was Her Journey

Personal Bill of Rights

Magical (She Healed the Child Within)

Magical to the senses. It speaks to the the child within. Playful soothing colors. Colors of healing. The heart of a child.

She Traveled a Long Road

But, Oh, So worth the journey! Every step along the the way! I would not have wanted to miss it for the world!

She Had Great Depth

She Loved Autumn

My absolutely favorite time of the year! The change in seasons and colors of the trees changing. Warm snuggly blankets to wrap in!  A fire and some hot Lattes. The leaves....I love the leaves!

He Is Her Light

In the storms of life. In the worlds news. In the face of sickness. Whom shall I fear? The Lord is my light and my salvation ....Whom shall I fear?

Darkness Is Gone

She Was Not a Superwoman

“I am not Superwoman. The reality of my daily life is that I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air... and sometimes some of the balls get dropped.”

She Loved the Journey

She Had Serenity

She Loved the Country

She Loved Old Windows

She Let Her Light Shine

She Had a Passion for Music

As Far as the East Is From the West

Psalm 103:12 (NIV)

¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

She Grew

Bloom/Grow Where You Are Planted.

She Knew she Was Dying

It is said that from the day we are born we are dying. If many gave this a second thought we might live each day as if it were our last.

Things that may not have held much importance, would...

Things taken for granted might be appreciated more...

Relationships might come to mean more..

Priorities might change!

The little things might come to mean more. God might become more important. Thoughts of where we would spend eternity could cause us to pray more,and seek God.

The way we view nature could change and we might see beauty in things we never saw before!

We could become more patient enjoying every minute given.

We might take the time to make sure family and friends know they are special and truly loved by us.


In retrospect, we may understand more than we ever could before.

She Loved Her Sister

My brother and I were adopted by our Mom's new husband. When I was eight my Mom gave birth to our little sister. I remember going to school and telling everyone I had a new Dad and then later a new sister! The kids would tease me saying my Dad was not my real dad and my sister was not my real sister! I would not stand for this! My Mom nicknaming me " Bull of the woods" fits perfectly in this part of my story!

I passionately and proudly explained to the kids at school that my Dad was legally my Dad. I explained how we went to court to make it that way and since we were adopted it made our sister our real sister! I was convinced of it and no one could ever change my mind on that subject! I defended this as if I was defending my own life!

Remembering this today and seeing how disinterested my sister is about our relationship is very disappointing! The closeness is not there. The loyalty and devotion sisters should have is not there. The relationship is dead. I have grieved the dream of having closeness with my sister. I do not grieve the relationship because truthfully there has never been one. It is not because I have not tried. My sister is just unwilling.

What makes it even sadder is that I have a terminal illness that she is aware of. I moved from Iowa to SC to spend my last days with family. I have not seen or heard from my sister in 6-7 months and she lives across the road basically. It has been like pulling teeth to get her to come over and see me since we moved here which has been a little over two years now.

I am tired of doing all the work to have a relationship with her. At one point in my life I got so hurt and so tired of trying to have a closer relationship with her that I stopped speaking to her and my brother for three years. We only started speaking again when I contacted her.

A sister is not a one sided street. It is a two way street where both give,take and share. My Sister has been very strong to teach her three girls to be close, to look after one another, to take care of each other...to always have one anothers back.

I wish my sister walked her talk.

Bird s of a Feather Flock Together

The Answer My Friend is Blowing in the Wind

She Loved this Song!
How many roads must a man walk down
Before they call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?

How many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea?
How many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?

How many times can a man turn his head
and pretend that he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
How many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?

How many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Donot Throw Your Pearls Before Swine

Matt. 7:6 (NIV)
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

Job 30:22

Dont Leave Before the Miracle Happens

Miracle in Progress

Facing the Ghosts of the Past

I thought the ghosts were gone. I thought  I would not have to go back through that door again. That is what I thought until I moved back to South Carolina.

My past was revisited when issues with my brother and sister reared their nasty little heads! But I truly can not regret having to revisit the past. Evidently it was needed or else it would not have come back up!

But this time when I looked through the door of the past the pain was still there to deal with only it was not as bad as it was when I dealt with it the first time in therapy.

They say, "More Will Be Revealed" and it was. 

After all these years I found them playing the same games and acting in the same toxic ways as they always have. I changed through the years with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous  and therapy. They stayed the same. 



I, In no way am happy their lives are like they are. On the outside they look like everything is fine but on the inside is emptiness.  Its sad to me.  I hope they can find peace in their lives and one day take the masks off.

Warning!

Keep your head in the clouds but your feet planted firmly on the ground.

It is okay to dream.

No one is saying that it is not.

But to be a dreamer is to have your head in the clouds and not have your feet firmly placed on the ground.

We need to be grounded to make good decisions.

Love and Ice

I hear the words "I love you Sissy," but then she does not come to see me, she does not ask if she can help me, she does not take me out so we can have a fun day together. After all we are sisters. She does not spend the day with me. She does not offer to help clean up after dinner knowing I can not do it. She does not offer to help me with my showers or take me to Dr appointments but yet I see her do it for others. She lives across the road knowing we have not had a car in over 6 months and has not once asked if we needed something from the grocery store or a prescription picked up! She does not offer to do my laundry when we have not had a washing machine. She lets Bill do everything and yet I am her sister. She gets married and does not invite me I find out by way of Facebook. She gets close to my Children and Grand Children and suddenly abandons them and stop speaking to them! She knows I moved here to SC because I am terminally ill and Bill needed help and we moved to the very town she lives in. She had more time for me when I lived in California (for 19 years) and she lived in SC.

The Words..."I Love You Sissy," do not match her actions. Her love is like Ice, thus the title of this entry.  She looked like the "pretty" Sister I knew but her heart is cold and hard and calloused!

Grieving

I choose this photo to go with the title of grieving because of a story someone told me when I was grieving the loss of my mother when she died. I was told my emotions as I grieved were like the tide or the waves crashing in to shore. It was during those times that it was hardest and feelings were strongest and the gut wrenching pain felt like it would never go away! But then I was reminded that although those waves had to come in they also had to go back out and as they did the waters became calm again. This was to show me my feelings  would pass...I could count on it just as I did the oceans tide. That helped my anxiety!

Today I am grieving my independence. Being sick with a terminal illness (Pulmonary Fibrosis) has slowly changed my life. It is very hard not being able to get out of the house and staying in because of my immune system, using a scooter if I do go out,wearing diapers for my incontinence,having a potty chair next to my bed,not being able to take my own showers,using a shower chair because standing is too hard on my breathing as well as my back and I have to be careful not to put too much pressure on my joints or else I will have a flare. When the flares happen I need help with everything ...Getting dressed, having food brought to me and I can very seldom cook or clean or make a bed. I rely on My Billie the most to help me do what I need to do. I do not drive and Billie has a lot to do to help me if I do go to the grocery store or to a Dr appointment.

The need to rest and take a couple of naps a day help keep my flares down and helps my moodiness and depression and pain. I get tired very easily. As my disease progresses I have to find new norms for myself. It has been a battle to do that but "It is what it is."

Pretty On the Outside

Pretty on the outside does not always match what is on the inside. Many including myself have been fooled or tricked by the outside beauty of a person. Charm can be very deceptive. It reminds me of wolves in sheep clothing.

Time Alone

I truly enjoy my time alone. I love the quiet when I wake in the morning and sipping my coffee. I sometimes enjoy waking in the middle of the night when I cant fall back asleep and spending time with God and praying for others while everyone else is asleep. At those times it feels like it is just God and I.

Gods Beauty

Simple Things

I have always been a simple kind of person. My thought process has been something complicated and my relationships have been as well. But it is the "simple things' that can light up my face, put a smile on my face, and not be forgotten. The simple things hold so much joy for me! I am thankful for the simple things...Such as a phone call and hearing my little Grand Daughter Desy say Gramma! Or asleep in the morning and my Billie bringing me a nice hot cup of coffee! Or a card in the mail just because from Scarlett and Momma Sue! Or a gift box stuffed with little goodies from Pauline who lives in Maine! These are the kinds of things that make like beautiful for me! I truly thank God for the simple things.

Magic

Many of my wishes have come true in my life. But not by a magic wand. Actually my wishes have been the desires of my heart and God has seen fit to give me the desires of my heart and more! He will only give me what is good for me. I may not always understand why God does what he does. But I have to trust him and know he will give me only the Very beast for me even when I can not see it. My desires do not always come quickly either. I have to wait on God's perfect timing. (not always an easy thing).

I rose before the sun today
And slowly walking made my way.
Down to the shore where I could see.
The waves that roll in endlessly.
Although my traveling days are done
I can remember everyone
Each journey that I ever made.

As She Got Older

When I have trusted God and let go of control and left it in his hands its always turned out much better than anything I could have ever came up with. With a terminal illness like Pulmonary Fibrosis trying to control things will make you feel insane. Each day is different. I am learning to adapt and in the process learning some patience. A virtue I have not mastered, I can assure you but there is progress.